How I Conquered The Impossible

Who knows who Steve Sax is???  Who knows who Chuck Knoblauch is??? Or, how about Rick Ankiel??? (the pitchers version)  What do you all remember them most for?  Most people reading this blog would say their issues with throwing at one point or another in their career.

One of the most infamous and mind boggling topics in sports these days is getting "the Yips" when it comes to throwing a baseball.  Most are terrified of this subject, especially if you are currently playing the game, because nobody really understands the how or why of it all.  So for the first time ever, I am going to let the world (or at least the people reading this blog) in on a little secret.  I had "the Yips"!!  Yup, little 'ol me.  It actually happens more then most know about.  There are professional coaches all over the globe who can't throw a baseball.  Professionals who at one time could put the ball wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted.  And now, all they can do is cringe at the sight of a baseball, especially when somebody asks them to play catch or better yet, throw Batting Practice.

That is really the issue at hand for most professional coaches, batting practice.  Most people out there would laugh at this but it is true.  When certain coaches are asked to throw BP in their organizations, the emotion of "OH SHIT" quickly runs through their veins.  It is quite a frightful feeling that I am well aware of.  Your stomach crawls, your heart drops and you start sweating on the spot.  Your heart beat rises and there is nothing you can do to run or hide from it.  "The Yips" it's called.  Not really sure who came up with that name but the person should be rich by now.

So this is how it goes.  When I was towards the end of my playing career I was going from workout to workout trying to get picked up by independent baseball teams.  My whole life was fixed around gaining velocity.  I couldn't throw the fastball like I wanted to and was utterly obsessed by it.  Night and day I searched for a pitching coach or a baseball god who could show me the way.  I wanted velocity!!  I knew that if I could just throw a faster fastball I could be that big league pitcher that little kids are in awe of.  The more obsessed I got, the closer to disaster I was getting.  As I went to these workouts I started a make believe world in my head.  I thought up every scenario in the book to the point that I believed people were making fun of me because of my velocity.  Here I was, I pitched in college, I pitched professionally but still was slowly creeping towards self destruction.  I remember at one workout I couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.  The ball wouldn't even cross home plate.  I was everywhere and felt no reason of why it was happening, but boy was I scared.  Little by little towards the end of my career it got worse and worse.  I wanted to continue playing but by this point it wasn't worth the stress I was putting on myself.  All that I wanted was a couple more miles per hour on my Fastball and what it turned into was a complete panic.  I really didn't know how bad it was until I got my first professional coaching job.

It was with the Montreal Expos.  I was 25 years old and ready to roll.  This was my first experience inside a true, Major League Organization.  I was so excited and ready to conquer the world but I forgot one thing.  I didn't believe in myself in some ways.  There were things I could do as a coach and I felt very confident and aware of my ability.  But when it came to some on the field stuff I felt I was inferior.  That is where BP came in to the picture.  The time I spent towards the end of my career, making up a story in my head that I wasn't good enough or people were making fun of me because I didn't throw hard.  All those stories were right where I left them when it was time to throw BP.  I felt judged and quite inadequate when really there were no facts whatsoever to support my made up story.

So there I was in the middle of the action and really no understanding of how I got there or better yet, how the heck I was going to get out of it.  This was the first time in my life where I knew I was in trouble and didn't realize what the solution was.  Stuck in a problem I saw no way out of.  Fast forward to January of 2011 and I was finally ready to move on from this nightmare of a situation.  That's right, 2011.  It had been about 8 years or so that I hung on to this made up belief, that I wasn't good enough and people were laughing at me and that I don't belong because I have trouble with BP.  It took years of seesawing back and forth until I finally was fed up with it all.  For most of the viewers out there I am sure you are wondering why it took so long for me to finally get fed up.  I can't really answer that, it is different for everyone.  But for me, I just couldn't handle the fear of throwing BP in front of the team I worked with and having everyone know how bad it really was.  I did that over and over and I really let it tear me up inside.  Until I finally started understanding perspective and also growing up on the inside.  Until I realized this issue had nothing to do with anything else but how I thought about myself.  The thoughts I practiced were debilitating, so I just started to work on creating different thoughts.

 I worked on BP for two months before the 2011 Spring Training opening day.  I threw well all the way up to that point but still had not been in front of professional ballplayers and professional coaches who knew about all the trouble I was having.  It takes a lot to shut out all those people watching and wondering what is going to come out of that arm when you start throwing the ball.  Some are supportive, some don't care at all, and of course some want to see you fail.  But again, that has nothing to do with me.  No matter how anyone felt about me, that didn't and doesn't matter, it all had to do with how I felt about me.  So when I got to Spring Training it was time to get in there and prove to myself I could finally get past all this bullshit I put in my head.  For the first couple weeks I threw quite well but man was it tough to keep my focus and get prepared to throw each day.  I was so nervous each time I threw and had to concentrate so hard on keeping my focus and thoughts in a healthy place that it was almost not even worth the throwing. 

Then it happened....the breakthrough.  I was having a couple difficult days of throwing and looked pretty bad during BP.  One time I actually had to step outside the cage because it was that bad.  But in the past I would let that defeat me and I would go back in my cave for weeks at a time and sometimes months before even trying to throw again.  But this time something felt different.  I didn't care about what it felt like or looked like, I just cared that I wanted to feel better and that was more important than anything.  So the next day I got back in the cage and started throwing.  The start of BP was pretty brutal again and I was a bit worried at first.  This time though, I started to loosen up.  I started to tell the hitters coming into the cage that they better put their hard hat on because I am not leaving this cage.  I started to make a joke of it and have fun with it each time I threw the ball and it missed the target by a mile.  But as I loosened up more and more and took away the serious tone to BP that I was putting towards it, things started to get easier and easier.  The next thing I knew I was throwing strike after strike and really started having some fun.  I was talking smack to the guys and just living it up.  The rest of spring training and extended spring training I was fine and threw every day.  When my short season started in Tennessee I even threw all 3 groups some days.  The big bosses would come in and it would rattle me some but I wouldn't let it take me over.  I knew who I was and how I could accomplish what I wanted to accomplish and it all came together.

Now this is not to say I still don't have thoughts of fear or get nervous at times.  And this is not to say I won't have any more bad days.  But what it does mean is that I know the process to get back to where I want to be.  I will never be lost any more.  I got back on the road I wanted to travel and now am familiar with that feeling.  Once you can get to the feeling place of where you need to be to accomplish something, the rest is easy.  You just follow the road and enjoy!!!

More to come on this topic soon......